as your name implies, i got attracted and attached to you. i seem to have been mesmerized at your bright smile. it was so different from the ones i had seen. yours seem to be so genuine, as if you were smiling from the bottom of your heart. i find it very fascinating that up to now, more than 24 hours had passed, i cannot get it out of my mind.

your eyes looked as lovely as your smile when you were staring at me, though i would kill myself if i had admitted it to you at that moment. we had laughed a lot that day, and i wished that time would have gone a lot slower.

a few days back, we were all alone again that night. you looked at me with your brilliant eyes - you were observing me, i know. you came closer and touched my hair. your face was near mine - my stupid heart skipped a beat. i thought you were about to, but you did not. you noticed that my hair was just shorter from the first time you saw me.

you made my foolish heart jump another beat from the last time we met. we were bought sitting right beside each other. exchanging private messages and peeking at each other's view. laughing silently as if we were passing notes in class at the back of some terror teacher. then you suddenly lunged towards me, leaning at my shoulder. your face was near mine. i did not know what to do. a part of me wanted to let you get hold of me, while the other objects furiously. yet now, i wished that you had not moved away.

i am terribly missing you. i want to see you again.

done during Introso class... XD go ahead and laugh...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Walking by a tv store, pretty faces were shown
Stood there at awe, wondering who they were
Sighed and walked away, a bit bothered
Is it ok that I don't know any of them?

Ever dreamt to be on stage?
Surrounded by millions of strangers
All shouting your name as you smiled and waved
A life exposed-privacy plastered on tv

At a store, people were crowding
Who was it this time?
Should I walk and see, or move on?
Na, I know I'm not one of them.

Why live under the limelight?
It would be like living in a zoo
People come and go to observe you
Always on display, day in day out

So now tell me, is it worth it?
People may go and praise you
But despite all the attention
What is life to you when it's all over

"Oh no, it's raining hard," I told myself as I stepped out of the glass doors. I stood there, waiting. Will the rain die down any minute? No, it won't. Glancing at my watch, I remembered something. Rainy days like this, you would come pick me up with your umbrella, knowing that I didn't have one, and then we'd go to your place. Then I waited some more. Maybe you'd remember me. But then again, no. You were gone and not coming any time sooner. I took a deep breath and ran towards the rain. As I struggled under the rain, I see people gawking at me. No one offered an umbrella, I only received stares.

I hurriedly entered the campus for a dry detour, trying to avoid the hallways since people would stare some more on how soaked I was. The walk seemed longer than I thought it would be. I wondered how you were doing that time. Foolish me. Of course you wouldn't remember. Why would you? There is no reason for you to do such anyway. I went out the gate, again to face the forces of nature. I glanced at my phone, hoping that maybe you had dropped a message. Nada. As I would have expected.

I slid my phone back into my bag, took a deep breath and ran towards the rain. So what if I get soaked, I'd get dry again. No use wishfully waiting. Under the cold shower, I felt that I was alone again. I thought I had found a spot here in this damned city. But I was wrong. Yup, all of these were gone. I was self-lecturing myself to learn to be independent from people, to stand up on my own even if the whole world is dragging me down. I have to lock myself away again, and learn to comfort myself. This is reality. You may be blocks away from me, but you aren't there even if you say you are. I also thought that too but as moments fly by, it all seems like it was just a mere illusion.

As I lie down on my bed, slightly feverish, and warming myself under the blanket, I wondered how much I have gone down. Will I go back to my old self? Yeah, I think so. After a few months maybe. I wish everything will be finished. Real soon. I know it will take some time but, it will soon be over. I will be gone too.

the last two weeks had been  bad for me. why did i even bother pushing myself? i just saw now how much you have gone and how much apart i am.  why did you hide this all from me? i thought you were open to me.

moday, we were swell. tuesday, you hid. wednesday, you showed. thursday, you made amends. now? i do not know.

i feel so torn. broken. betrayed. i had not been eating well since then. i had been sick ever since. i had been in tears so much, and hopeful. you gave me a spark of hope and little lumps of joy as my life had gone down. now, it is all gone.

i had shed too much. but as i shed more, i grew numb.

as i whisk away again, i hope you would not try to say unspoken truths but remain in the light as i fade away. broken. but still breathing.

"i may have everything but it feels like as if i have nothing."

this is what i felt a few days back up to now. it is as if there is a blackhole inside that feeds on the everything i have and leaving nothing for me. i don not know why this exists.

this may have been the fruit of those unspoken words, which at the moment felt so irrelevant to be shared. Or perhaps from all the emotions felt from different circumstances, all bottled up and remained bottled up. Or it could be from does moments that could have happened but remained nothing else but what if's. Or from the times when i could have gone out with my friends but i have not because of certain tasks i needed to fulfill first.

going back, i realized that this would be the last year of my only best friend (for the past decade) to be here before going back to america. again, i regret that i have not spent time with my best friend. i only have a year remaining ahead of me before the sad good-byes.

again, i feel so empty. as empty as a bottomless pit.

i was searching for a song i love to hear again... yes, i was able to download it. i even read the english translation of the song. it reminded me of you...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Two of Us
by Ayumi Hamasaki

I had a happy dream of sleeping at your breast
I cried when I awoke and realized my loneliness
The faded sofa and the two matching cups
Even the too-wide bed, someday I'll get rid of them

I wanted to be loved, it's not that you loved me
I knew it, I could have slept alone, but
The song we both loved, the movie we saw together
I couldn't forget, somewhere
I hoped for tomorrow

Only once since then I tried calling you
The woman who answered the phone had a pretty voice
Your voice when you called my name and your fingers stroking my hair
Even your clear eyes, everything is far away
Laughing together, clashing together

I believed in us, but now I'm alone
I want to see you once more, I'll never see you again
I know that, so
I'm not hoping for anything
Laughing together, clashing together

I believed in us, but now I'm alone
I want to see you once more, I'll never see you again
I know that, so
I'm not hoping for anything

I wanted to be loved, it's not that you loved me
I knew it, I could have slept alone, but
The song we both loved, the movie we saw together
I'll forget them, so
I'm not hoping for anything

new approach? perhaps... or maybe i am just bored? sad? i wonder...

~*~*~*~*~

On the bed, trying to study
got exams, very bored, still trying
falling asleep, waking up trying to read
too many things to do, so little time
and suddenly i remebered:

all these years, i've been searching through anthing
all these years, i've been pushing myself to nothing
can't escape, need to breathe, must stay awake.

can't read now, mind walking away
can't find a good spot, moving around
tossing and turning, like what i am right now.
looking outside the window, listening
dogs barking, cold breeze passing through me
feeling so empty, and then i wondered:

all these years, i've been searching through anthing
all these years, i've been pushing myself to nothing
can't escape, need to breathe, must stay awake.

staring back at my notebook blankly,
letters of my handwriting are moving
is this because i'm dizzy or crazy?
i dunno, but i shouldn't be bothered
school or friends, what's important?
lossing priorites, falling down fast.
and then it hit me:

all these years, i've been searching through anthing
all these years, i've been pushing myself to nothing
can't escape, need to breathe, must stay awake.

must escape, running out of time
can't find the light or am i avoiding?
maybe, but now must close my eyes
letting myself fall asleep to escape.

i just had been contemplating on a few things and i realized a lot of things. now, my soul is in rage. why? it's because of you.

you always play victim. you never want to know when you are wrong even if you say people should tell you. you would close your ears and raise an eyebrow each time someone would criticize you. and in the face of others, you would play victim. but have it ever occurred to you that you are the suspect? that what had happened was due to your cummulative mistakes you pretend to not see. you are blind. wait, you are not blind, rather you had made yourself blind.

you criticize others but you yourself hates being criticized. you speak of things on others but you are too deaf to hear what others say about you.

you are not perfect. so expect others to be the same.

for so long i had suffered from being the victim. for so long i had done more than what i should do just to fill up the spots you left empty because you were "too busy". maybe you are busy - busy filling yourself with lies, blinding yourself from reality. but i still took you in and it lasted for two years.

and you know what's the reality? no one wants to work with you. ouch. doesn't it all makes sense now why some peple tried to block you off but i still took you in? i thought each time i took you in you would change.

but you did not. why? you are too stuck-up. until one day, i snapped. i could not tolerate it anymore. at least i did not hide it from you.

did i hurt your feelings again? reality hurts, doesn't it?

finally it ended... your seemingly endless suffering ended.

since i was the cause of your failure and hardship, i had to end it.

you may be the right person for me but had the wrong time...

i hope you can forgive me.

i gave that desicion for you to be able to keep your dream. that was what my heart was telling me. i want to see you succeed. if i did stayed you may not be able to get it. but if i did not, there is a bigger chance that you will be able to maintain it. i rather see you succeed that to see you fail. just make sure you do succeed or else i would be the first to give you a good whack on the head.

we may or may not cross paths again. but whatever will happen, its all up to that crazy destiny and fate.

lastly, i just want to say that i still love you no matter what happens and you can always count on me on your hardships. i will help you laugh it all away... i had deeply fallen for you and have no intention of rising back again.

i love you. 

 

it started late afternoon, two days ago. everything went downward since then. and to something hurtful last night.

i hate myself. why cant i be mad at you for the things you had said?

that night, a cold shoulder. yesterday noon, a sweet laughter. today, i do not know what will happen next.

yes, perhaps i had been selfish. i do not want to say anything, as usual to be at the safe side. i do not want anyone to get hurt. that is why i had to keep it all to myself. it is really hard and driving me somewhat down.pulling me down faster than anything else. did i complain? no. not one bit. i kept silent.

last night, you were alright but then there was a transistion. why? i know you are in a dangerous spot. i know but you must not give up fighting. maybe its just me - strong-willed and determined, as people from who knew me back then would say...

after that night of pondering, i think i should move these thoughts somewhere else. somewhere you do not know. do not worry, i have not metioned your name or anything. you are still safe.

that night, between sobs, i thought to hide it somewhere else. i may just take a long leave from this. i have to hide somewhere and watch from the darkness. somewhere you can never find...

that night, i let all my sadness wallow me. that night, i felt what i used to feel four years ago.